>driftt's pad: layer2

>hey

>09.23.22 currently 1 in the morning, coming down from a pretty intense ~500mg dxm trip. fuck that shit is insane. always a great experience though. started uni, got a nice IT job, even started therapy. im sure ur suprised to head an idiot like me actually managed to get his ass to a therapy session to deal with the fuckin trauma hes had. its weird how much life can change just from a shift in perspective really. at this point i dont really care about getting a nice job to live a nice life and all that bullshit. i just want to learn about the stuff i like and live my life. im over stressing shit, life is too short and insignificant to waste it stressing over shit. ive been good about just getting my shit done too. I got this sick 4:3 CRT monitor recently that ive been watching OG anime and shit on, got my vpn sec up and started torrenting again. this is the life! I can only hope that i continue to enjoy it so i dont take it from myself.

>lol wtf

>07.03.22 been doing pretty much nothing but sleeping in and sitting around, just doing pointless shit. its honestly been relaxing, but wont last so i take it as a short vacation/ break from real life. imgrel is a showcase of several awesome things. 1. my sweet yet sublte unix rice, 2. toonamiaftermath, a sweet website for old dubbed anime and stuff. 3. its all running on my sweet laptop. its so special to me just how POWERFUL well made software can be. even this kinda old laptop can do just about anything i could ever want to do on the web or creatively, ie. record music, draw digitally, program. its just insane to me how much """""alternative""""" software is overlooked despite how much you get out of learing it vs how long it actually takes to learn.

>lazy days

>06.22.22 i ended up sleeping in at the orientation and did not take it well, the day was kind of a disaster and i just couldnt get away from the feeling of loneliness and inability to socialize. its all good though, cuz its over now and i like being alone when im at home. last night i had a great time, chilled with bro and watched some crazy ass videos that had us tripping out. its funny i remember him telling me after i showed my process of saving and watching youtube videos using my home page and he was tripping out. he said i was like an invader zim character where they just do all this advanced shit just to like watch a video. i guess he is kind of right... ive really just jumped down the rabbithole of security and alternative solutions because of my political stance on alot of things (anti-corpo measures). i never really thought that what i was doing was so crazy, but i guess ive never met anyone in real life that was like me at all. only on forums are there anyone like me it seems like.

>starting soykaf

>06.16.22 today is my orientation for the university i decided to attend. things are going smoothly i suppose, though of course i dont fit in at all. excersize science is not my scene, i need to switch over to compsci, but i dont meet the requirements yet... so i guess ill have to spend a semester trying to get them and switch. maybe i wont have to do that though, id really rather not to be honest. i saw suffocation play last weekend, it was pretty awesome, but man the bands before they went on were some of the worst live music i have ever heard. out of time, out of tune. i was laughing my ass off. (edit 10:12:04) its now nightime, and im sharing a door with some dude. its fucking hot. this sucks, and i want to go home lmfao. gonna be a toughie to wake up.

>H0Wz it?

>06.07.22 hellow again. soon is my graduation, and thus release from the feudal rule of a school board. i apoligize for rageposting like an ass on 01.06.22, that was not my day. +venting is what this whole page is about in the first place. i doubt anyone reads these anyways, present day, present time. i write this, as the figure shows, shrouded in a darkness created out of a hacker larp so thick that it can only be depicted in two tone. today's record is mad breaks new release MBS003: 1st Anniversary its honestly not the greatest but its at least interesting to listen to, particuarly the more gabber sectons. you should learn about rotterdam hardcore and hakken, its a fun rabbit hole that not many people seem to have explored. lots of crazy rave stories. today was spent almost entirely waiting in a room freezing my ass off and reading ajin (fantastic read by the way) and snowcrash (fun larp read). waiting for paperwork of course. what else do people wait for? ive been feeling mildly discouraged from lifting today, as it just seems so impossible to reach the goals i aspire to without hopping on gear and totally fuarking my organs in the process. will never do gear. though thats probably funny to hear if you knew me and my relationship with "dangerous compounds". not to say im some kind of addict or street dweller, im just pulled towards these things sometimes. ill continue lifting, but i can for sure feel a down trend in my mood about it. such is life, ups and downs. i was doing some research on a band by the name of Darkened Nocturne Slaughtercult because i love them, and wanted the same guitar as Onielar (rhythm guitarist and vocalist). consoom consoom. i began searching for the gear the band used, and even tried to reverse image search the logo on the guitar to no luck. anyways, i found their website (after i had admittedly given up in the search), which probably hasnt been updated in a decade. its pretty sick, has all the band photos and stuff. link to site. but anways, their website says, "Onielar and Velnias endorsed by ES guitars." searching for ES guitars now only brings up vintage gibson models. apparently ES guitars, started in new york, went out of business! they dont even have a damn website anymore, and i couldnt find a single listing for the guitar brand anywhere. sucks! i fucking wanted one of those guitars.

>feeling shitty

>01.06.22 man, my head really fucking hurts. my sinuses are full on explosive today, it creates so much pressure in my head and makes everything smell like a spicy hospital. my head hurts so fucking bad, and yet i am still forced to go to school. yesterday, and last friday, were both days in which we do nothing. when i say nothing, i mean nothing. all the grades are complete, finals are finished, the only reason we are here is for their fucking beaurecratic tax money retardation. i am SO fucking tired of constantly having decisions made FOR ME. how much longer am i going to have to do this shit? if i have to live like this later in life im commiting seppuku.

>we are all gonna make it bros

>05.16.22 been re-implementing discipline into my life, been lifting hard, eating good, waking up early. it feels really fuarkin good im not going to lie. though, its hard to say if its actually me feeling good because of discipline, or because im on the high part of the "depression-mania" cycle. (i only say depression-mania as a figure of speach, ive never been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or anything, i just dont know what else to quite call it. i also would not call my current state mania! like i said; its just a placeholder name for it) i have also been once again taking a stab at learning scheme, and things are actually starting to click a little better! i got the dr.racket IDE working properly on my thinkpad, and to noones suprise, having a working interpreter and debugger actually helps... what was i thinking trying to learn scheme on a notepad? lol

>FUCK FUCK FUCK

>05.08.22 the past couple months have NOT been easy for me. ive fallen deeper into my own mind further than i ever have and at certain points i thought that i was perhaps losing my mind. i think i realized that i have to make some changes in my lifesyle and attitude, but i handled it in such a strange and unhealthy manner. i began to question everything that i stood for. i wondered if i just looked like some dumb clown, in all black, screaming LOOK AT ME! am i just a useless and lazy person? why do i just sit around and play games in my room all day? i think all of this is a reflection of how recently i havn't been making any progress. i stopped programming, i stopped studying, my grades were dropping because i stopped doing assignments. i think life was just getting the better of me. i need to make changes, i need to continue being productive, otherwise i wont be able to handle it anymore. still no artwork display, i think im gonna just drop the idea. i dont really feel comfortable sharing my art because of its unoriginal nature, plus this page is already bloated enough with pages and shit. im thinking about cutting my hair soon, i dont quite know why. i just feel very strongly that i need to grow up, and i think that might be one of the first steps. before my breakdown i never would have thought that though, so im hesitant. what if i change my mind after i cut it? will i hate that decision? i hope i can return to my old mental strength. i just want to have a reguarly functioning mind. also, shout out to kvlt for adding me to their user webring. apparently i am an "eclectic metalhead who likes merch and frequently posts blog entries." i think being known as someone who "likes merch" is kind of lame though lol, not sure exactly why. guess i just never thought of myself that way, i just like showing off the bands i listen to. i think im sort of moving past that phase in my life honestly. maybe i just looked like i was trying too hard, maybe i was.

>municipaly wasted

>04.26.22 been a while. nothing crazy today, big projects are still on the backburner cuz i can never seem to remember to start on them lol. i think im finally sort of rebounding from a depression, all it took was getting stoned every day for 2 weeks... i doubt that helped honestly but it was pretty fun. i plan on implementing an "art gallery" of my art, thanks to isthesafetyon for the idea. though my art isnt very original or that cool really lol, just kind of redrawn frank frazzetta stuff and like metal shit. i just kind of emulate other artists styles but using ink instead, i dunno. i got a four year scholarship/like finacial help thing. i dont think its because im really smart or anything but my broke ass will take everything i can get. its currently 7:57 in the morning and im in my physics class. god i hate the prof, hes so fuckking passive agressive. he was literally talking shit about people for not wearing masks using this like underhanded way: "clearly, you guys dont care, otherwise youd be wearing a mask. they are proven to lower the amount of cases." SUCK MY FUCKING COCK FAT BOY. i cant fucking see through my glasses when i wear a mask. another time he got into a heated yelling match with some dumb jr. trying to get out of class one minute early. literaly one minute. mf left at 9:34 or whatever, bell rings at 9:35. once the kid left i said like, "dude, you dont have to yell at them, they are like little kids and you are a grown man." needless to say he was NOT happy, but it wasnt like he could do anything cuz i was right lol. pic related is my dog leon.

>last day

>04.14.22 finally the last day of school today, its good friday tmrw so i get an extra day off. im not really sure what im going to do this weekend but hopefully its relaxing. i feel very lonely again today. i wish i had friends in school. most everyone left already today, there was a trip to go on, but i didnt go so now its nearly empty.

>... - --- -. . -.. / .- --. .- .. -.

>04.13.22 i feel like when lain sits in class and dissasociates/ halucinates. idfk what she was doing lol. this makes class much less boring honestly. today ive been super nostalgaic, yesterday night i watched a bunch of early early Vargskelethor joel clips with my bf and laughed my ass off. i feel like that emotion is eminating from my body now, like an aura. i really want a proper CRT monitor to play games on. 480p 4:3 is cozy lol. i really miss the 2010's. times were simpler then, i just played tf2, listened to daft punk, and watched yoglabs. i hope i can look back on current times fondly too. pic related basically sums up my current mood. its called art plebian.

>brain fog

>04.11.22 holy shitttt i have brain fog so bad this morning, and i was late to class again. this weekend was good, i got to hang out with bro and also eat crawfish with my parents. (i know its spelled crayfish but if you pronounce it that way you are a northern yank that shouldnt be eating real crawfish anyway!!!!) i dont know why but it seems like all my classes became way harder recently. like the amount of work just skyrocketed, but i think i didnt actually change. i think my drive to do the work is just dead as fuck. whatever, i should have a high enough average to just kind of float along doing the bare minimum. i feel pretty lost lately, like time is sort of just stopped, groundhog day style, i keep waking up in the same fuckin day over and over. i need change, and badly, i just dont know how to get it without doing something really dumb and/or bad for my future. i need to skip class and go downtown again soon, get some pizza from that badass pizza place. i think its called frank's pizza. god i hate sitting on the floor, its so fuckin uncomfortable. i am currently listening to Techrot - Necronomic Warfare some death metal that came out in 2014, nothing too crazy but i am enjoying it.

>suffer

>04.07.22 i cut myself pretty badly yesterday night and this morning. im not even really sure why i do it anymore, i can barely feel the pain at all anyways past the first couple seconds. sometimes it helps get rid of the emotional pain, but that doesnt last long. maybe i do it as a cry for help? probably both. not like it matters at this point, i could probably go around screaming at everyone that i was going to kill myself and it wouldnt make a difference. its crazy to me how many adults have seen my fuarkked up wrist and just quickly looked away and acted like they didnt see anything. only makes the anti suicide posters all over the walls in my school more ironic. i want a drink.

>drg

>04.06.22 since dirk had passed, and i had gotten over the initial suicidal drive and depression, i am constantly berated with a desire for drugs. weed, molly/xtc, alchohol, caffine, 2c-b. pretty much anything aside from opioids. i cant get away from it. i cant stop thinking about it. all my brain wants is a 40oz of OE. its fucking torture. i am so FUCKING SICK and TIRED of wageslaving. i want OUT. is there truly no fucking alternative? am i just stuck in a future of joyless work? thinking about it makes me sick. i want a beer. cutting hasnt been much of a help either. im so lost...

>skipping again

>04.01.22 brought my cat to the vet today, i was so nervous that i started to shake a little bit and couldnt stop fidgeting. very out of character for me. im still pretty worried about poor little cheebloe cat. decided since i was late to class already i might as well skip at the local coffee place. i hope they dont force me into summer school to make up the hours, i have near perfect grades. coffee here is always good, better than i can make it at least. definatly more caffinated and acidic, just the way i like it. its friday! i hope to play a bunch of games wif my boy, and NOT get tilted like crazy this time. thats the goal for the day. i should probably also lift, i could even walk to the gym from the coffee place but my boots would probably tear my feet up walking that far in this boot-sock combo. i hate how shitty some of my socks are, so thin, so unprotecting and vent no heat. one day ALL my socks will be darn tough socks, but i guess that would also stop me from being hype when i have a clean pair available since i would always have them. lol i probably sound like an idiot right now. i tried experimenting more with the little world inside my head, but it doesnt seem to have the effect i desire. its too taxing on the mind to maintain a high level of detail and immersion for an extended period of time. plus, i cant at all get into that mindspace when it really matters (i.e. fighting a bout of depression, anxiety, etc.) maybe i just have to develop it more, or have a more compelling world idea. i read on lainchan about this guy who intentionally made up another person inside his head, like it has a whole personality and friends and stuff. he knew it wasnt real and it was just a way to distract himself. definatly not a route im going to go down but still an interesting story none the less. another thing i heard about is that schizophrenia typically shows symptoms during late adolesence and early 20's, which... is exactly where i am right now. i dont have schizos in my family i dont think or anything, so i dont think i am at some sort of great risk, but since i have been consorting with and reading about schizos for a while now so im hyper aware of its existence. also im a lain fan XDDDD (-_-) f u. currently though all signs point to me being pretty mentally healthy overall, despite some clear depressive traits. ive found decent coping mechanisms for the lower level stuff and am normally able to just lift away the pain. it becomes a bigger problem when these smaller things dont really go away after ive tried to cope and they last for a long time, eventually evolving into something i cant get past for a long time. the worst part is when i feel absolutley awful, then as soon as i get over it i feel totally FANTASTIC and i lift and read and im super into everything, but i still like i shouldnt feel good? sometimes i feel like i *want* to feel bad, so other people will feel bad for me, which is a truly disgusting proposition to me that i think ive mostly gotten over after some traumatic shit. what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger right? well im pretty fucking strong now lol. IM AN EGOMANIAC FOLKS. cmon let me at least have some self confidence. thats something i never really understood. ive always told you should be humble and meek, not self appreciating on any level, but on the other hand ive been told that you should be self confident and proud of yourself. does this relate to the slave vs master morality thing? i fucking think so you god damned bastard genious neitzche. over the years ive decided to just say fuck it to the meek and humble side of myself and try to just be as confident as possible with the things i should actually be confident in instead of always putting myelf down. worst case someone thinks im kind of a dick, best case im a more confident and happy person. im still kind of tortured by those early values though. my subconsious tells me to be weak and lay down while my consious tells me to be a barbarian and a fighter. i suppose the end goal is to merge these two ways of thought into a stoic mindset, one of the quiet warrior. a man of high disipline and strength, confident in himself, but not so overflowing that he needs to share with others this confidence. i think i am doing a decent job of this, at least, doing a decent job of making progress towards this ideal. self-contempt and buildung or whatever that mustachioed german man likes to yell about while dressed as zarathustra in the town market.

>title

>03.31.22 a strange sort of melancholy has overcome me today. its not really a sadness, when im sad i have held in tears, now i just have an empty stomach. too many beers. i threw up all over my floor yesterday night. the days only seem to grind by slower and slower, little to no excitement. i feel like life was exciting at one point, but i cant seem to remember when. i lifted for two hours yesterday. i know im on the cusp of a new era in my life, but it all seems to sort of drag along. i cant seem to make myself study anymore. im reminded of my desire to just drop out and run away from it all, find some weird way to live. i dont think that would work out, i dont want to throw it all away. i wish i had charged my personal laptop overnight, i hate using my school laptop to update this page. maybe i should try engrossing myself in something. i was thinking about trying to develop a world in my head, something i could escape to when i feel like this, when the days go by this way. {the world in my head is a solemn one, a valley, scorched by thousands of years of wyvern fire. ash corrodes the air, the ground a charcoal black. stepping has the sound and feel of boots in snow. two characters inhabit this land at the moment of conception. a tall, lanky being wearing a mask of gold, twisted into a hideous figure. the visage portrays the skull, veins of a gruesome nature, and several large spikes spilling out of the back, tips darkened by ash. the ugly masquerader wears a tattered black cloth, wrapped around his body, simply held by the skewers his mask protrudes. somewhat awkwardly, the cloth does little to cover the man as his hight is far to great for its weathered length, so the being relies on a pair of humble drawers to conceal himself. his feet are not shoed, instead they are wrapped with what could one day have been a white bandaging, however the ashing and coaling of the dressings have long since rendered them a deep grey black. Despite the horrid visage symbolising a whole array of very ancient and deathly storties, the being carried himself with a great meekness. his shoulders shrugged, posture hanging, he shared the appearance of a bipedal newt. infront of him stood a very (what he supposed as) upstanding adventurer. this adventurer has described his name many times to the being, and yet he was not heard. the adventurer spoke in the the way a great barrel of a scotsman would, perhaps under the effects of an ale or several. "i have conquered each of the 12 seas, raided countless villages, defeated hundreds in mortal combat! my reputation should proceed me does it not?" the words only seemed to reflect off of the golden being. the adventurer, perturbed by the lack of response, glanced around to view his surroundings. the sky was near empty except for the dotting of wyvverns in the distance, great black beasts they were, a sign of death in these lands, and a reason for evacuation. "why do you not respond!?" the adventurer spoke with a tinge of anger, but more likely dissapointment. the being, awoken from a deep thought, noticed the thing speaking to him through the holes in his thick mask. what stood infront of him seemed to be a rodent, but in the form of a dwarf and wearing a greatly ornate chestplate and pauldrons that seemed to crush him. his fur was a charcoal black, not dissimilar to the ash and the anthracite surrounding him. a great and ugly tail trailed behind him, naked from any hairs aside from a spattering of clear.}

>bored in class again & musing on neitzche's morality

>03.30.20 dude at this point i just write these to keep myself entertained. i drew some today, the title was "His hideous visage betrays a meek sense of self." i think the title is more interesting than the drawing itself to be honest. ive been thinking alot about neitzche's concept of slave and master morality and how it applies to my life. the idea of the slave morality, spesifically in the context of the christian religion, and "saying no" to life really resonates with me as one side of my family was very religious (which i clearly did not carry on, though i did as a child). i always felt that christians were sort of sad for rejecting the life that they were given in favor of living a meek existence, though i have no problem with people who decide to do that of course. i want to be a person that says "YES!" to life, a person that says "I WILL!" not "it is" or "i was told." i want to live a fufilling life based on self overcoming, though i often fail. i find it very difficult to reject the slave morality i was raised with in favor of the master. to be clear, "slave morality" has no connection to slaves aside from the historical creating of said morality through slavery (also it holds no racial significance) nor am i a supporter of slavery of any kind. to me at least, it is simply a phylosphical concept, so please dont think i am a bigot or someting stupid. I hope greatly that reading more of Thus Spoke Zarathustra will make it more clear what exactly the two moralities entail. so far my understanding of each is this: "Master-morality values power, nobility, and independence: it stands “beyond good and evil.” Slave-morality values sympathy, kindness, and humility and is regarded by Nietzsche as “herd-morality.”" {shamelessly copied from here} i find the concept of mirroring moralities created through different classes of people incredibly interesting. either exaltation is honored or meekness of soul. the master says "i will!", he determines his values. the slave hears "thou shalt!", he does not make his own judgments. the master seeks to overflow, to overcome his self, to become the ubermench, the overman. the slave remains, he becomes the last man, and the ubermench is destroyed as a concept. i hope that i am truly understanding this. i have a feeling Zarathustra would see my misinterpretation and solemnly shake his head and walk away, as he does to his followers when they fail to understand his message. how does neizche's idea of morailty apply to current times? to me it seems like meekness is not at all a common trait among current generations, most everyone seems to have a strong will to power. though i may be misunderstanding the meaning of the will to power.

>does anybody read these? screaming into the void and moar

03.29.22 today is especially unspecial. even this blog entry is unspecial. (i hate the word blog, in my mind only weirdos blog... oh wait) no cool records to share with ya today or anything just some words and a picture that i found in what is essentially a garbage can but is in reality actually my brain. check out that sick graveripper tee, oh yeah. but yeah, fuck today mannn, its another one of those 8 hour slogs through doing nothing at all. everyone here has just either given up or has good enough grades to not have to do any work, and the teachers know this so they dont even bother giving us something to do. i guess its cool to not have to do some tedious shit but it sure makes the days feel long, and man it REALLY makes me question why i am even here in the first place. why do taxes go to this? i know all the answers to these questions and that only makes it all the more fuarkin annoying. im pretty far into dark souls 3 now, beat all the bosses cept the final boss, the ringed city bosses, and the final boss of andariel. i was myeggaa tilted last night trying to beat that fuckin hoe... she has 3 phases, an invisible command grab (she literally goes invisible and attacks you (i call it the SPD (spinning pile driver))) AND the second phase has TWO bosses, which always opens things up for stupid RNG one shot deaths. man ive been getting so much better at touch typing as of recent, its really great. i never learned it as a kid because i pretty much only played like Team Fortress 2 and minecraft on my computers, and while i did type alot on those games, i never moved my hand over and got into home row positon cuz thad be annoying to do everytime. eversince getting my thinkpad and optimizing my setup to use almost entirely key inputs (and often the glorious keyboardklit (trackpoint)) i rarely am outside of the homerow position now, wich necessitated learning the style. it feels really good actually, i reccomend it if you are on a linux system (or if you somehow get a TWM on something else lol) or a thinkpad/trackpoint having laptop. i wonder if i am going to look back on times like this with a fond memory and say things like, "ah highschool, i was so bored but so happy." i really hope not, people like that are so weird, why would i look back on this shit fondly aside from nostalgia? certain moments yes, but the whole thing? fuark that dawg. i bet this page will be sick to look back on one day, if neocities survives (or i just back up the files).

>some HTX underground

>03.24.22 D.R.I, formed in 1982 in Houston Texas is one of the most legendary crossover thrash bands. they paved the way for bands like Suicidal Tendancies. I still have yet to get to one of their shows unfortunatly. i should be seeing them in december this year though (hopefully). Skourge is a band i am much less familiar with, but i am a pretty big fan of their releases so far. i know them because their name seems to float around on shirts within the scene here.

>making use of time that would be wasted

>03.24.22 as a student in a shitty texas school i pretty much do nothing. seriously, its absurd. my work load is like 2 asignments a day and i can finish both of them in a maximum of like 30 minutes. so im bored. alot. what do i do all day? well, i try to spend most of my time learning things or studying something i find interesting. (though i just as often sit there and watch stupid shit on the internet, i try not to though) recently i have been reading the legendary Thus Spoke Zarathustra and writing note in emacs as to retain as much of the messages as i can. along side that i have been studying CS through a series of webcasted lectures about Scheme. i also spend a good amount of time sewing, mostly sewing the patches i get from shows onto my pants (most recently being a big ass mayhem backpatch onto the ass of my pants and a cannbal corpse patch on the lower shin) or embroidering. i recently sucessfully covered all of my shitty patches with sick ones, so im proud.

>last nights show^3

>03.20.22 this week i saw midnight, mayhem, whitechapel, and cannibal corpse (in that order). it was split into two separate shows and man, what a crazy fucking time. Mayhem and Cannibal Corpse were the two standouts. Cannibal Corpse had the craziest pit ever. White Chappel fuckin sucked lol i think it was like a slamcore band (?) mf was like actually singing and shit at one point... lame. waiting in the merch line i heard some pretty rediculous shit, some older dudes saying that 30$ was too much of a shirt because you can just go on amazon for a Cannibal Corpse shirt for 15$. cuz like why support the band right lol? give ur money to that obscenly rich bald white dude instead. some zoomers talking about kanye west and some other shitty rappers. yes kanye west is shitty and i will stand by that to the end of my days, college droppout is mediocre at best. also, this morning there was a thunderstorm (my city floods very very easily (i.e. Hurricane Harvey wiped our shit out)) and my school district didnt cancel, so i had to walk through a thunderstorm. didnt even do anything in class because i was like one of the five people that showed up. what a waste of time and a perfect display of the attendance (federal money) hungry retardation my district has.

>been a bit

>03.10.22 i really havn't had much to write about as of recent, which should and does explain the lack of updates. i dont just want to write some random soykaf that nobody wants to read (including me). though i guess i am sort of doing that now? whatever. i met a guy while playing games a while ago and we have been having a fun time playing a bunch of stuff, long distance really sucks though i wont lie. im just happy not to feel so alone all the time. anyways, i should probably throw in a record dump or something to reward readers for reading this lol. here it is: Deathspell Omega - Paracletus, Dehumanized - Prophecies Foretold, Disclose - Yesterdays fairytale Tommorows Nightmare, any DJ Screw Oldies tape, Goraphobia - Mobidous Pathology, Insect Warfare - World Exterminator (or any other Insect Warfare release, they are fucking bruetool), Malignant Altar - Realms of Exquisite Morbitity, Power Trip - Nightmare Logic, Sadistik Execution - The Magus, SHINNER - Goblins vs. Humanoids Vol. 1, TELEPATHIC - Self Checkout. ill probably slowly chip away at this list by making reviews and stuff, like the ones i have previously posted, but for now ill just give em all to ya for no xtra charge. im also thinking about writing entries about 3rd Strike and high level TF2 soldier (the latter being pretty unlikely, seems weird to write) both will probs go to le otakuspace cuz i need moar entries there.

>mental sitrep

>2.15.2022 track of the day. for the first time in a while i have found myself confused. really genuinely so. i cant tell whats wrong with me. i feel like i really try my best to be a good person, obviously i have my faults, but i try. thats more than most people can say. despite all this effort i feel like i am still met with all of the same negativity. recently my ex-girlfriend had messaged me again after a year or so, trying to rekindle our friendship. we began talking again, but soon conversations began to quickly fizzle out due to her pension to endlessly rant about shit i didnt care about at all (think sonic the hedgehog, redvox (some shitty band)). i never mentioned my lack of interest in these topics because i didnt want to hurt her feelings, but of course it shows eventually. i can only talk about sonic 2 genesis DRM so many times. i tried to be upfront with her and tell her i wasnt interested and asked why she became so fixated on things. she only responded with something to the tune of,"idk, i cant control it." i didnt say anything about it after because i dont know if she has some kind of mental illness and didnt want to be that guy. after a couple of weeks she hits me with "sorry we dont talk." i told her that we are just incompatible people with very different world views, and that i felt like she didnt care about anything i tried talking about in the first place (despite her denial of this in the first place (i wasnt upset about her not caring, i didnt either, but i was just mentioning the point)) she asked me how our world views were so different. after some thought i decided to just be totally straight up with her. i told her how her very clearly hikiomori/NEET habits were unhealthy. she had no job, didnt go to school, just stayed online all day talking to people she met through different fandoms. she would avoid all discussion of real life because "her home is so rough," which at this point i think is total bullshit. (god i was so depressed to date someone like this) all i told her was that these habits were "really unhealthy," and she became very defensive immediatly. "you should see how OTHER people cope. you act like im DESTROYING my life." stuff like that. again, all i said was her habits were unhealthy. i told her i would give her time to cool off and think about what i had actually said to her, and all i got was "nice gaslighting" and a prompt block. cool. at this point ive been blocked by this person 3 times now. im really pathetic. my mother too has been incessantly rude and agressive towards me, for even the simplest things like walking the dog. i have no friends in school, or online anymore. my only friend is my brother and some of the people in his friend group, but at this point i am wondering if i just annoy them. i keep thinking about my ex-boyfriend and listing to midwest emo, his favorite genre. i still dont know if i should have blocked him, and if i shouldnt have, i dont know if i even could reestabish contact (it was always long distance, like near all of my relationships). this leads me to my main confusion. why? why is this happening to me? the only conclusions i have been able to come up with are these: [#1 i am a bad person, and that is reflecting off of other people and tainting my relationships] [#2 i am somehow autistic or lack an understanding of social relationships (this is not a jab at autistic people by any means, it is a genuine thought i have been having)] [#3 i have an anxiety disorder and what i am thinking of as poor relationships and social health is actually just standard]. i hope not to come off as some crying youth begging for attention, but rather an actual analysis of my current thoughts and worries. im starting to wonder how long i can continue life on autopilot like this, just absorbing punches as i walk along, before i start getting stronger urges to self mutilate or fight. for now its just sort of a dull pain in my chest that never goes away, which i guess i can deal with, but feelings like this always end up getting worse in my experience.

>do you wish to die

>2.12.2022 Hailing from Lebanon, a war torn country, powered by extreme islam, Damaar makes a single EP to express their unadultured hatred. found here, this is a bestial black release to be remembered. the production really lends itself to feeling like you are AT the venue, its encapsulating. really, its a very very enjoyable record that has helped refresh black metal as a whole to me. i was too used to the simple sweedish blast and tremelo, tin can production, and Depressive vocals. due to the nature of lebanon culture, at first the band was only able to distribute mp3s but they have since moved to australia and released physical copies of their demo.

>interesting record

>2.11.2022 i found an interesting record: Emit - The Dark Bleeding. found here. i would describe it as black metal noise, though im sure there are 900 other similarly apt and/or meaningless titles that could be given. its rough. im not going to lie. this record put a very heavy weight in my heart. the same kind i used to feel while listening to Xasthur and Leviathan to cope with depression. and no, im not saying something like,"this record gave me depression," or, "this record made me suicidal," it just kind of reminded me of the first time i threw on such a brutal record. it seems the mind seeks out greater and greater extremes, and this is a logical progression of that. total escalation. deeper expression of pain. im a fan, as weird as that may seem if you were to venture a listen.

>being marched into a dystopia

>2.1.2022 i just finished watching this video and it gave me another jolt of classic dystopian fear. everything is being monetized, made into another thing to speculate on. speculation that only empowers the already wealthy as they can afford the risks. the poor are only getting their throats stomped down even further. my teachers regularly bring up the topic of early adoption of NFT's and various other cryptoshit in my classes. my peers in said classes regularly bring the topic up. money is the drive for nearly everyone around me. everything is monetized, corrupted, deformed into something that can be use to control the weak, poor working class. they dont even realize it, they cant look past the monetary goal set out to them from birth. our culture surrounds it. everything is about money, feeding the machine, comsumption. this isnt even mentioning the absolute FUCKING ATROCITY that is security surrounding blockchain tech. the people are going to be controlled. it is IMPERATIVE that i become as wholy knowledgable about as many things as a possibly can in the coming future, especially considering burgeoning technology. i REFUSE to bow down to the higher powers that are able to manipulate the massses simply by complexifying their systems so that it isnt possible to understand withouth strong technical knowledge. knowing is, more than ever, extreme power, and i belive the only way to resist the inevitable corporate law that will come over the world in the coming years. please do not read this post as some kind of LARP trash or schizo comment (as schizo as i may be (im still figuring that out myself)) i really truly belive this is the future that is GOING to fucking occur, and if we dont prepare NOW we may be fucked forever. though it may even be too late; we can never give up, not till we die. (by we i guess i just mean me, myself and i. im not telling anyone how to live their life) fuck corpos, fuck the abusive power, fuck the government (all of them), fuck them all. i will learn, and i will fight.

>last nights show^2

>2.1.2022 last night i saw municipal waste, obituary, gatecreeper, and enforced. i think spirit world was canceled or something because i dont recall them ever playing. it was fucking killer, easily one of the sickest shows i have ever been to. Tony Forsta wore a fucking D.R.I shirt, showing the houston love. D.R.I is from my home city by the way. Pretty fucking cool. Me and my bro were thrashing the fuck out of the pit it was insane. i would get in the pit, go hard as fuck till i lost my breath, then jump into the front row till i caught it. rinse and repeat. at one point i was just running in the circle pit screaming as loud as i could. i fell down onto my bad knee several times, which fucking hurt. still does lol. there is like an inch of swelling and i have to limp everywhere. didnt help that i had to wake up early and get to fucking school that morning. fuckin hell. obituary was sicknasty too but by the time they played i was in too much pain and so tired that i really couldnt be a pit demon. a couple of those hardcore assholes tried flinging their arms around and shit in the pit and i pushed them hard as fuck away. didnt see them try it again, fuck i love good shows.

>completed zine!

>1.29.2022 come and get it!

>last nights show

>01.21.2022 went to the local diy venue last night, the lineup was 4 d-beat/ doom type bands (wont list them cuz that would dox the fuck outta me, though i guess you could narrow it down pretty easily based on just that alone (please dont)). the bands were okay, nothing all that special. your classic ubermasculine toughguy hardcore shit; and the pit followed that trend. shit was insane. wasnt even all that many people there, and yet fights were breaking out like crazy, dumbfucks were crowdkilling with shitty flying windmill kicks and shit. dude, if you are one of those people that like to fight the invisible man in the pit (and sometimes the guy next to you) fuck you it ruins the pit for everyone that doesnt. i know i know, it comes with the genre, and thats what i should expect, but i say: fuck that. why should i expect assholes to flip out in the pit? NO KARATE IN THE PIT. its simple, classic even. whatever, thats just how it is, and my opinion isnt going to change anything so no reason to get upset. next time ill be sure not to show up to any "hardcore dancing" shows (what a lame ass term lol). theres this one guy i see at nearly EVERY show, and he always does this fucking spinning kick shit while jumping up in the air. it would be pretty impressive if he wasnt trying to kick people in the head while doing it. overall i would say i had a memorable time though, so it was worth it. cant wait for the next real death or thrash show to come through so i can mosh without a punk spinning his fucking arms around as fast as he can at the crowd trying to enjoy the music. fucck.

>getting huge again

>01.14.2022 not being consistent with my exercise has certainly taken a toll on my physical and mental health. though i am still in considerably good shape, especiallly when compared to the average american. clearly though, this is not a good standard for ones self. however, neither is the standard of needing to look like arnold. i used to do that when i started lifting: causing a pretty strong case of "bigorexia" and it started to consume my life, as well as make me considerably more insecure and irate. as of recent, i have been very inconsistent with my lifting schedule: i would life 3-5 days in a row, then stop for some time. this causes a strenth and gains plateu that is *incredibly* demoralizing. i have decided that i will no longer go down that route. its time to really fucking TEST my body. "overtraining" my ass, it will only make me tougher. i am tired of being weak, of the mind, body and soul (though i dont really belive in souls lol). after writing this i am going to hit the gym with MAXIMUM intensity. tommorow: i am going to hit the gym with MAXIMUM intensity. etc. etc. etc. i need to put some self discipline in place or i will never make any progress. today i am going to gague what my maximum squat and bench is, then i will use that metric to create a goal. my diet is already healty, but i will need to increase the calories: though this will happen naturally, as i will be more hungry due to the body strain. i must do this. im am also going to start a small notebook to keep my lifts recorded: and will probably create a new page (html file, tab? idk what to call this?) to this site in order to keep track of said lifts more effectively.

>shifting realities

>01.12.2022 recently my grip on reality seems to be weakening, and i am questioning the reality of the things around me. i dont hear voices in my head, and im not seeing things (i think) beyond reason, but im starting to feel like a crazy person. its like the people i know irl are somehow entirely mentally different from me (not in a negative or positive way). its hard to imagine living a life where you can just "not worry" about the intensely clear hell humanity is making for itself. how can you just live without the intense fear this brings? if i approach the problem from a scientific/objective point of view, its clear that i am the outlier. i am the crazy one. but how can that be? what of all the feelings i have? should they just be dissmissed in order to blend in with the herd? no. even if that was the answer i was looking for, i am unable to realize the result. ive tried. ive been the stoner, ive been the jock, the lifter, the artist, the nerd, the gamer. i am just *not* able to fit in with the mentally healthy individual. the few friends that i do have all have a similar issues. (i say friends, plural, but i have a hard time agreeing with myself that it is more than one). am i an innovator, an intelligent? or am i a schizo, an outcast? *is there even a fucking d i f f e r e n c e*? i truly have no answers. many of my convictions are based on the philosphies of which i have studied, digested, and agreed with (shoppenhauer, neitzche, etc.) but who is to say those philosophies are valid? the answer being no-one. i find these unanswerable questions greatly troubling. i hope... im not even sure what i hope for. i began that sentence, and had no conclusion. what do i do? do i even do anything? is this a problem that i have any control over? is the answer really as simple as "get therapy" or "take these pills". i find it hard to belive that some pills or talking to someone can truly solve or even just somewhat mitigate problems as complex as these. will it turn me into just another person in the cround? individuality shattered by a acceptance of the mundane. please, if you have even the sligtest of thought on the topic, send me an email. i would very much enjoy speaking to someone who can/would like to understand.

>breaking into breakbeats

>01.05.2022 breakbeats and more generally, jungle, dnb, etc. seem to awaken something deep in me. the genres are exelent for maintaining my focus and willpower while doing almost anything challenging, and i often leverage them while studying or even playing a hard game. beyond my weird utilitarian view, so many of the tracks are just really fucking good and great fun to listen to. this brings me to my main point: my attempt to become in tune with the current breakz underground. over the last several months i have been seeking out more and more obscurities in the genre, slowly building up a repatuare of incredibly fucking sicknasty 170+ bpm cutz. my main resource for this has been the "Dismiss Yourself" record label. found here: { https://dismissyourself.bandcamp.com/ }. not all of what they release are breaks, and some of the releases are questionable at best. see: Cartier' in da house - Cartier'GOD. what a terrible record lol. and other releases are clearly jokes. however, more often than not; you get something really interesting released, something that youve never heard anything like and then it all becomes worth it. im under the impression that break genres are undergoing somewhat of a revival at the moment (though this could very well be confirmation bias. grain of salt) so often i see new and interesting tracks being released. the incredibly popular "Sewerslvt" brought a much larger audience to the scene, and many of them stuck around to make tracks. even before sewerslvt we had goreshit making lolicore for years and years. if interested in the genres, here are a couple of sicknasty releases and artists i have discovered: evaboy (rip), brandon lowe, emray, sienna sleep, anthony1, exodia, (try out Land of Yuri's Discord MIXX for a grab bag of tracks), sewerslvt, goreshit, sorry about my face, and so so much more. i would call all of these artists, "new wave of breakz," because there is of course all of the jungle and dnb OG-OOG's out there with 30+ years of releases stacked up, but i have a pretty limited knowledge of them so i wont elaborate for now. i will say though that older breaks are still definatly worth listening to, i just find newer releases more appealing at the moment. check out the linkdump muzik n' vidya for some quick links to breakz.

>regrets(?)

>01.05.2022 ive been having some of that classic anxiety recently, fueled by huge amounts of midwest emo and black coffee. i feel like ive stopped having anyone to talk to. i still have my parents, and a friend or two, but i dont feel like i can really talk to those people. i blame myself partially for not having anyone to talk to, after all, i did stop talking to some of my "friends". but i had good reasons for stopping, i didnt want to become a useless stoner who doesnt care about anything exept smoking and shitty ass mexican punk bands that claim to want to genocide white people. fuarrrk that. so i moved on. i also stopped talking to my ex-boyfriend because i just felt pathetic every time i talked to him. he found ways to demean me at every chance he could, and it made me feel like shit. another person i thought could be a friend ended up being one of those unrelyable people that only respond when they feel like it, as it they are just using my conversation for entertainment. again, fuarrrk that. id rather be alone than constanly have to deal with people like that, but it still sucks. i often feel like a ghost around other people. its like im just ignored, as if im not there at all. compounded with my tendancy to dissasociate, i end up feeling like im not even a person, just some kind of intelectual wisp of energy, sitting in a dark room and looking out a window into my reality. at least this wisp can play videogames. so theres that.

>current manga reading

>01.03.2022 aaaaand into the new year here we are! cant wait for that statement to age oh so well... anyways, to the topic we go. after years of reading manga on my phone using tachiyomi (sweet manga reader for any android users btw) i decided that i would start picking up pysicals too. and man am i glad i did. the feeling of cracking open a new volume, taking in the smells, enjoying the crisp art, and reading the official translations (rather than the often awful fan translations). when i made this decision to start a manga collection, the first place i went was my local comic shop. dissapointingly, the manga shelves were near empty.. with a few tankoban scattered about. i think there was probably a total of 2 "volume 1"s and they were all for series i had no interest in or had already read (black clover and jojo retrospectivly). however, i did manage to find volume 2 and 3 of a series i had never heard of at the time "XS-Hybrid" and MAN what a lucky find. XS is getting its own post on here, so i wont spoil much but just think: hot guys n' girls, sportbikes, hacking, etc. totally perfect for my tastes. its kinda just early 2000's porn though because there is almost no story at all. i just treat it as an art book. i also got omnibus 3 of elfen leid which when i bought it was volumes 1-3 but it was actually 6-9... so i had to order omnibus 1 and 2. it has a really interesting story so far, but i havnt read much because i was saving it for when i am bored in class. ill upload an image of my collection soon, but its 2:30 am and im writing this in between sleep sessions, so not tonight lol. expect a fancy XS-Hybrid manhua entry to come. i think i am going to just nest a new html document in an entry on here, so that i can take pictures of some of my favorite pages and show them off without fuarrrking this pages formatting and having to deal with it.

>the wizard book

>12.29.2021 for christmas, my parents got me the book i had asked them for! the famous, "structure and interpretations of computer programs", aka the wizard book, or the purple book. see this resource for more details. the book uses and teaches scheme lisp in order to better your understanding of programming (or so i think! im still reading it!!! gry ain of salt folks! a darn grain of salt!) I hope to use it to not only become a better programmer, but also to have sicknasty amounts of fun using this weird langauge. before you say, "driftt mang.. start with js or python or something," ponder this: im a massive fucking hipster and would rather learn something much less useful because i think it is cooler or less popular. ive learned to accept this, and so should you (if you are trying to get me to learn an actually applicable language that is hah! :)) so far, some of the things i have learned about the language are: the language itself is used to edit the language (recursiveness, whatttttt!!?!?!? dunno even if thats how thats spelled!) and some of the syntax. as an example: ( * 5 ( + 2 2)( + 5 5)) is evaluated as 70. the operator goes first, then the values the operator is operating on go after. you can define more complex operations with the (define) function thingy. ex.: (define square x (* x x )) now if you use square as an operator: (square 5) would evaluate to 25! without square being defined, this would result in an error. pretty sweet huh! ive heard that scheme lisp is pretty useless in real world applications, but that can make you a better programmer by learning it. it must because MIT used it for forever! a different dialect of lisp: common lisp, is still used today though (mostly in the feild of AI) so maybe its not so useless? one day ill be a sicknasty technofoo slangin expansion cards and dataHands, a modern day BPS! just kiddin, thats kid stuff unfortunatly ((no(?)) pun intended) i can still revel in the endless journey of learning how to control seemingly magical computer spirits and sharpening the wired into a wicked sick really shitty katana.

>paranoia

>12.28.2021 today i watched a movie: "Dont look up". what a terrible mistake that was. caused me to have a pretty awful exstatential panic attack, which is still fucking up my neurospace pretty bad even as im writing this. the movie itself wasnt bad, in fact i think it was a pretty well written parody of the world we live in today, but it didnt mix well with my mental state.

>been a while...

>12.22.2021 recently ive had a much weaker drive to update this page! im not sure why exactly, it not like i have a lack of ideas or new things to post, buttt it is what it is i suppose... so i guess updates will be slowing down for the time period. however, i wont be stopping any time soon! i really enjoy building up my site, and will continue to. i dont think i will be trying to make my pages all fancy or anything, because im not a huge fan of those really modern looking javascripty (and frankly kinda bloated (no offence!)) websites.

>i finally blocked him.

>12.13.2021 for some time now, i had been still talking to my ex-boyfriend, and as i mentioned in the last post, always made me feel horrible about myself. i never blocked him because i felt i wouldnt be able to handle the even further lonesomeness. today that changed.

>my experience with anxiety etc.

>12.7.2021 ive noticed my anxiety getting worse and worse over the years. ive developed an involuntary tick in which the right side of my face sort of spasms out, and im often made very uncomfortable by the thoughts in my head. regularly (often hourly) my thoughts are domimated by something that causes me anxiety. mostly stupid stuff, like how i phrased something weirdly when talking to a stranger or how i reacted to something. even memories from my early childhood (think elementary school) still haunt me daily. today i asked one of the staff at my school for help and it was sort of uncomfortable, and later while walking my dog my tick wouldnt stop. i still have some control over my tick, and am able to suppress it (particularly around others) but it isnt easy, and i dont know how long that will last. another thing ive noticed is how paranoid the anxiety is making me. im having exremely negative yet unprobable doubts of those around me. my heart feels very heavy. i know that i should get therapy but its so expensive and i am very poor. i would ask my parents to help but they are already going to help pay for my tuition and i really dont want to be a burden. i dont think i will try suicide again, because i still have hopes and i do enjoy life. i just cant seem to get out of my own head, though ive always kind of been like that i suppose.
my current and past relationships (platonic and non-platonic) are a big source of my anxiety. ive been talking to my ex-boyfriend for a couple of months now and its really taking a toll. when he broke up with me it hurt me really badly, and at the time, put me into an even deeper depression than i was already in. every time i talk to him it only serves to lower my mood. i cant remember the last time i had spoken to him and not been dissapointed or upset by the end of it, and yet i respond as fast as i can, looking forward to every message. fucking pathetic i know. ive told myself countless times that i would never talk to him again and yet here i am wallowing away. im so alone. i try to tell myself that i dont need anyone to be happy, but it isnt convincing. i dont really have any friends anymore since i stopped talking to them (they were incredibly bad influences (drugs)). the friends that i do have are never available and are unreliable. some of my only coping mechanisms (crossdressing, writing, lifting) have started to lose their effectivness, especially lifting. im really not sure what to do anymore. i know i need therapy. i dont know how i will get it. my heart longs for someone who treats me well and my mind longs for a reprieve.

>mp3 player get! (to be moved)

>12.6.2021I got myself an mp3 player! its a surfans F20 HiFi music player, and so far im pretty happy with it, though im not a fan of the fact that it was made in china because of their horrible human rights violations, nor am i happy that i got it on amazon of all places. blegggghhhh. disgusting. consumerism wins once again i guess :(. at least i dont have to pay for any music services anymore, or carry around a smartphone and a usbC to 3.5mm headphone jack that breaks once every two months (not even joking! ive bought 3 pairs of usbC adapters! bullshit!). so far ive basically just copied over all the tracks from my pc onto the sd card, meaning that almost all the songs on it are sienna sleep tracks that i grabbed from a google drive he posted somewhere, a couple of old school hip-hop records (think wu-tang and nas) and two metal records (engraver and suffocation). oh and two vulfpeck records that i didnt get from a place that rhymes with ghe girate gay.

>/cyb/eria zine

>11.25.2021 i am currently working on an tech/anti-corpo zine and i would like others to be able to contribute. i have 2 or 3 empty pages for things to go on. even if those pages are full, if you submit, it will more than likely be on the next zine of the same series.

>11.28.21 spent the last couple hours looking through the sprawl for spots with public access networks and location security flaws like unlocked doors. my eventual goal is to find a spot where i get a connection while not being bothered (for opsec, and for fun). other than that i got a black coffee (i was told it was an americano). it was pretty good. not sure what else is in store for me, hopefully i find a good spot soon. i dont like having to use mobile hotspots in parking buildings.

>hackers(1995)

one of my favorite films of all time "Hackers" paints a fuarrrking awesome picture of the 90's. everything is so stylized and turn of the century that it just blows my mind. the whole thing is full of memorable lines that are just utterly hilarious. i highly reccomend watching it. aparently, each of the computers that the cast use are all chimeras built from several machines but mostly with the internals of apple powerbook 180Cs. they all sport their own unique boot screen based on the characters personalities. i found this sweet site you can use to learn more! hackerscurator and where i found it

>IMPORTANT

>11.18.21 real life /cyb/erPUNK: here i am, sitting on the top floor of a parking garage, nine floors up, typing an article using stolen wifi and jamming "julie's" newest EP. I have consumed two peices of boudin pizza obtained from the nearby pizza place. is this larping? or is it just badass? its fuarrrking fun thats all i know. fuck classes, this is how you learn shit. this is how you become a more well rounded person, experiencing life, breathing the fresh air in the heart of the sprawl. corpofucked yuppies stand on every corner, in their uniform of bland professionalism, unaware (intentionally or not) of the struggle that goes down not a couple of train stops down from them. whatever. hate them or not they seem to surve some sort of purpose in the current economy. but i swear they better stop giving me glances like im some kind of freak, never seen a fuarrking punk before? probably not. anyways, im having a good time so why get so upset over it. moving on. ive been thinking of creating a zine of some kind, printing them out and then sharing them around, some grassroots stuff. on the zine i want to put anti-corpo messages, music reccomendations, art and opsec tips. whether or not it will make a difference really doesnt matter to me, i just want to make some cool shit for people.
OLD PUNKS ARE OUTDATED. WE DONT NEED MORE OLD PUNKS. WE NEED CYBERPUNKS. PUNKS THAT CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE WHERE IT MATTERS. CONTACT ME.

>battlehardening boots:

the boot is a must have every day item for someone such as myself. one good pair of boots is as good as 5 pairs of sneakers, due to a couple of reasons; the first reason being durability. boots will last you decades if you treat them right, and even longer if you repair, whereas a standard pair of sneakers will last maybe a couple of years at best. the second reason boots are so strong in todays meta is their versatility. a boot can be a running shoe, hiking shoe, and climbing shoes all in one. boots excel greatly in the field of rucking (walking long distances with a weighted pack) which is the most important purpose a shoe can hold for people living in urban environments where walking is common. *however,* boots are only as good as you make them. pick a shitty pair of boots for a low price, fail to break them in properly, lace them in the unoptiomal way, wear the wrong kind of socks, any of these things will leave you hurting. lastly, boots are fucking badass! they just straight up look cool and make you feel strong just for wearing them. (sidenote: boots are also great for femboys! i love to wear my boots with thighhighs and a skirt! its one of my favorite outfits.) so!? how do you go about picking the right boot, lacing them properly, breaking them in, and getting a good sock config? i have a couple guides for you: picking a boot! breaking in boots! lacing your boots! picking socks! my personal choices are the Belleville 330 DES ST Boots and the Dr. Martens Jadon Smooth Leather Platform Boots and the Darn Tough Tactical Boot Cushion Socks. my first ever pair of boots were a standard pair of dr. martens, and i totally loved them. they were all i wore for 3 or 4 years, and they got so broken in that the color entirely changed and the leather became incredibly soft (incredibly comfortable.) however i wanted something more gothic so i got the platform boots, which really tested me. dr. martens do look good, but they are hell to break in... it took weeks of bloody feet to break in my current ones, but once my feet built up a resistance and the leather began to crease, they became incredibly solid dailies. my third boot, the belleville 330's are the ones i am currently breaking in. they are a millitary boot, so they are already more comfortable out of the box and they are much cooler (tempurature wise) than my docs due to the hot climate design. i had only obtained the darn tough socks with my belleville's but now that i have them i really realize the difference a good pair of socks makes. when if i plan to wear my bellevilles for a long time, i always wear a pair of darn toughs and a pair of wool socks over them for maximum comfortablity. on all of my boots i use cross lacing, as that is what fits my feet the best. anyways, i highly reccomend a pair of boots. its an aquired taste but once you get it, you really get it.

>captains log:

>11.25.2021 holy fuck i almost had a panic attack, i can *not* be around this many people for this long. luckly i managed to make my way outside, though it is cold as fuarrrk out here. somehow there is a pretty comfortable chair out here in the open garage area. i hope noone comes out here, ive always felt oddly relaxed by cold winter nights, even if i myself am cold within them. they seem to evoke a solemn emotion in me that helps accept the realities of the future without getting anxiety. laptop's gonna die. fuck. god bless thinkpad.

>11.25.2021 thanksgiving... yeah. time to spend a bunch of time around people that i dont know anything about and feel aquard the entire time. cant even get any alcohol to make it more barable. what is with people and being so open to gossip and talk negativly of other people in their families? do they not realize that everyone else does the same thing but targeted at them? i find it so awful of them. everything is so clearly faked. all of the people here have an oily film of stress and anxiety resting on top of their minds and yet they try to hide it. makes for an incredibly toxic environment. maybe eating and a beer or two will make me feel a little better.

>11.21.2021 i recently read this which i feel kind of corroborated my feelings on human inteligence. the great variation in human inteligence is so frustrating/ burdernsome to me. without trying to sound egotistical ill explain some of my feelings: being unable to make a true friendship, i belive there must be a certain equality between people. often, the people that i am around i am unable to make meaningful connections or "friendships" with because they are either a: too immature, b: too stupid, or c: not dedicated. by maturity i dont mean always being serious and being a hard ass all the time, i mean just having your priorities in order and not acting like a child all the time. by too stupid i mean not being able to wrap your head around concepts that have deeper implications. by not dedicated enough, i mean people that are smart and mature but dont have the discipline or willpower to make themselves learn or do new things. to be clear, i am not a people hater, i dont even dislike people who dont fall into these groups, its just that im not able to make any friends with those that dont. even within groups like the punk or metal scene i dont seem to get along with people all that well. too many people dont care about the music and are just there for the social gathering or the drugs and alcohol. i dont get along with american otaku's either, many of them are so unsociable and dont even have good taste in media. whatever group it is it seems people are not well rounded enough. i think more people need to read neitzsche and work toward becoming the übermench he describes.

>11.19.2021 currently on coffee #3, this time im at some swanky ass spot. my coffee was ~2.50USD? i only order black coffees. i think i am going to make going deeper into the sprawl a more regular activity. walking is good for you and i enjoy experiencing new locations, particularly in such an urban enviro. plus it only costs like 4 dollars to make it here and i can spend as long as i want sitting and typing like some kind of professional. its funny seeing all of these people with their ultrathin macbook garbage next to my hefty thickpad, i cant imagine. earlier i fucking supidly dropped my backpack onto the concrete, not being used to carrying such a device around in it and i damaged the top left corner of the screen chasis. should be able to fix it with some tape and super glue. whatever. ugh, actually im not coming back to this coffee spot. they have ads on their music, how the fuck is this okay? i literally go through so much effort to avoid advertisments and yet i cant escape them. again, whatever.

>11.3.2021 didnt end up getting conveyor sushi, my bro didnt know they closed at 9 and it was already 10 by the time we got out... hey! it happens alright! we ended up getting fried chicken instead, which isnt better than sushi but is still pretty okay. the running joke of the night was china, their insane social credit system, and john cena's weird relationship with them. i will refrain from mentioning the actual meme itself as i dont want to date this page *that* horribly. its pretty crazy to me that a system like that can actually exist and be in use, a true example of modern dystopia. imagine living in a place like that! zero freedom. crazy. if you havnt heard that much about it, i recomend that you look into it just a bit (maybe just watch a 10 minute youtube video about it) because its really interesting, and might help you recognize some of the same strategies that china is using in your own government.

>11.2.2021 took the day off from school today due to some really bad anxiety right from waking up, not sure what was up with that but whatever. decided i would try to make the otakuspace; somewhere where i could take refuge from the cold dark world and talk about cool anime and stuff. spent a good chunk of time on that today and last night, got it to the point where i shouldnt have to tinker much with the overall layout anymore, so now i can just add tons of content and stuff. easier said than done but hey thats how it goes for these things. I should set up a way for viewers to contact me, ive been feeling rather lonely lately and maybe that would help? id love to make some online friends. what should i use? email? discord? i dont really like the idea of discord, they seem to be spyware from what ive seen and read, but it might be the best option since im already forced to use it to talk to my friends. at least i have a cool discord theme! i hate the gross grey discord uses and their awful fonts! *my* discord looks like a sicknasty terminal with the font and all, after i modified a guys theme to look that way. might take a long time to complete that "LAIN" entry on the otakuspace... i have to rewatch the anime, read the manga, AND play the game! gonna be a while... maybe ill start another entry and keep that one on the back burner... dunno! hope things turn out well. Later tonight (writing this at about 8pm) im gonna eat some damn sushi off of a conveyor! woop woop!

>10.18.2021 man this is hard as fuck to figure out myself. well.... i suppose ill take a break from looking at all these wicked sick html n' css wikis and shit to write some truly insigntful brain comments. insignttful, yes. im currently writing this in my statistics class ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. what a drag, at least its easy. man if you have the chance, never type on a membrane keyboard, feels like im going southern style mudding but instead of a shitty truck its a keyb.

rip chuck!

>10.19.2021 dude! im slowly figuring out this whole sicknasty c0de thing (ayche-tee-emm-ell, cee-ess-ess)! not really haha... i suck... but i have high hopes! i feel like im learning quick. i added some stuff, two sweet chuck gifs and this lil cute giphy pet thing. Eventually I want to figure out how to format this similarly to onionrooms sweet website!(im a huge fan) i like the way his whole page is nice and centered but with a background image, its nice to look at but not too fancy either. really tasteful stuff that. I still havnt gotten the chance to upload the images i want to myy dashboard due to chronic nap time soo expect that soon lol.

>10.21.21 wooo..oo.o... yeah, im hitting a roadblock. I feel like the next step I have to make this site a sick one is learning a ton of stuff all at once. buuuut im not giving up! its just gonna take a while. Im also running low on ideas... i got super duper secret (you may never know!) up and running but to make it look nice seems impossible, (least not to a high level using grids or floats or whatever the damn hell they are called!) I think for now i will just not worry too much about making the place look super nice and instead focus on just having entertaining stuff! Things like: stuff i write, draw, play. Maybe i could just make a list of all the sicknasty (in a good way hah) stuff ive found on the web over the years and put some kind of exposure on it (though exposure on the scale of an ant scrambling his way into his anthill. (DOES THAT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE?! I HAVE TRULY NO IDEA!))

>10.21.21 tons of stuff added to sds! im having a great time writing and getting more efficient with sicknasty html, though i gotta find a good guide for more advanced formatting if i want this place to not look so ameture. though i kind of like this look... so maybe if i do end up updating it, ill have a hidden link somewhere on the site that goes to the old (current) page. -Opacity and cute background added!- even more added! man i am on the grind ive even gotten some followers, one of which is from onionroom and another from arandomsite! pretty sicknasty i know B) the site hasnt been up for long enough for me to comment on anything, so i havnt done any of that quite yet, but i will when i get the chance. i wrote a ton of stuff for the sds page and generally just beefed it up. aswell as that, ive added a new page for muzik. im gonna make some sweet custom art for it and have tons of links to music. hopefully i can think up some kind of UI similar to how homestuck did it with like a record collection format.