>dont let the face scare you off! i dont bite! most of the time... here you will find a selection of things: music, art, writing (in stupendously self indulgent style) and anything else i think is cool or entertaining. essentially, i want this to be a hub for many of the cool things i have found or know about, and allow people easy access to stuff that took me forever to find. youre welcome B) hah, nah im kiddin. thanks for vistiting! newest entries will me marked by white text.
>im driftt, a pretty cool guy B) with alot of interests. I normally used to go by faux on the web but because of that sicknasty "fauux" neocity i decided id switch it up for this site to avoid confusion. im huge into music and i play guitar and bass. i spend most of my weekends at shows at the local venue jumping around in the pit (brootal). my hobbies include: making music, playing videogames, reading, sewing (patches and the like, see battlepants ^above^), bodybuilding, muay thai, and drawing! i used to have a cat named Dirk hes was a great lil guy.
<== thanks to blackwater for the art!
drifttrx@protonmail.com or
>03.06.24
as always seems to happen, the symptoms of my depression started to come back. i was still doing okay in school at the time but as i lost the ability to study to a harsh drop in mood. i spent most of my time then in bed. the pressure of coming school deadlines and the consequences of not being able to keep up with the work, along with my complete loss of desire to continue with what felt like useless work. so i dropped out of school, which also means i lost my job doing IT work there. as i write this im still working there (quite on the down low i may add, at least in regards to mentioning my departure from the school) to save as much as i can and move in with my boyfriend. im also working on a game, heres a screenshot. i want it to be a blacksmithing game where you collect ores and craft items.
>11.30.23
visited a place on the east coast to meet my boyfriend for the first time in person. the trip lasted 10 days but felt like 20 or 30, and i consider it to be a (or the) most significant turning point(s) in my life aside from the death of my father. every moment felt like a dream, finally speaking to and touching the person i had been talking online to every single day- all day- for 4 months. none of the love i had for him diminished in any regard, and instead it was further stoked into a bonfire of which has become my single source of warmth. my goal in life has become to spend every moment i possibly can with him. it feels as though we are made for eachother; down to every last single detail. it is a common occurence for us to simply 'know the same exact thing', without any previous mention of the topic. his beauty is truly incomparable, and every inch of his physical form is perfection. i feel as Pygmalion may have when he fell in love with the statue he crafted. each and every detail crafted in his image of beauty; however, i am no sculptor, and he is no statue. statues cant give the best sex ive ever had. the purposeless i have experienced prior to meeting them has vanished, in its place a crystal clear goal has arisen. no longer does the fear of faliure drive my life; instead, it is a will to succeed, and that is a powerful thing.
>10.10.23
i fucking hate humanity. for every worthwhile person, there are millions of complete and utter garbage who do nothing but make my life worse. im so fucking tired of helping people who know nothing, dont try to learn anything, and are completely uninteresting. im tired of the herd, tired of the future being determined by people who have no connection to me and only have their own best interests at heart. im tired of acting like i care. i dont fucking care. i dont care about you, any of your friends, or anyone you talk to. leave me the fuck alone, i dont like you. i hate being asked to do something for you that you could do in 10 seconds if you just took the time to look into it yourself. i hate masking how much i dislike you.
>09.07.23
i feel as though a new era in my life has begun, one in which anxiety is no longer in control. that dark, gloomy, and suffocating feeling that i used to get when i fell behind is now far weaker. i recognize that i can still catch back up if i set my mind to it and grind myself down. with that being said, i have once again began to consistently study as i did last semester; and soon will be caught up on all of my courses. my goal is to reach a point at which i am far beyond the current class pace, giving myself enough room to relax (or party) when i like. i began playing an awesome pokemon romhack that my boyfriend reccomended: Crystal Clear. its really baddass, has alot of custom pokemon colors to grind for, its open world, and it combines jhoto and kanto into genII for the GBC. there are lots of other cool features like a greatly expanded pokedex and pokemon customization, but you get the idea. its pokemon, but better!
>08.24.23
so i fell in love. i asked them on 08.11.23 and they agreed. i gotta remember that date from now on. they are just the most wonderful person i have ever met, we share so many interests, kinks, and similar life experience that it almost feels unreal. the distance is really tough but ive been saving money to travel anyways and plan on visiting soon. im used to being alone, so i can handle the lack of physical contact, but it does make me worry that it could cause problems for them; especially since they said they wouldn't normally e-date. so i guess its just gonna be tough till i actually get to see them in person and make it real. but even despite the distance, we have been video calling alot which is so fucking fantastic. they can be a little shy at times but that only makes me love them more (even if it feels like getting baited occasionally). i really love the way they look around when they are nervous and how they get so flushed when i compliment them. they are so fucking pretty. ive already started a painting of them, and i plan on painting them a great many more times. i want to play them songs and write them poetry (i dont even like poetry, this is what love does to a man!) im perhaps worried that i love them too much and that it becomes offputting, but i think thats simply poor past relationships tainting my view, which were terribly unequal in the amount of love (ive always been the lover, not the loved (truth... not pity seeking. i dont want your pity.)) hearing that from a man with as few years of life experience as i have is probably laughable (in fact; i see myself laughing at this very page, as i re-read it many years in the future: "Bah! this child knows nothing!"). its hard to reconcile the humility of youth with my admittedly 'philosophical' mind... however pretentious that may sound. additionally, another semsester of university has arrived with a schedule full of nearly only state required courses that waste my time far beyond reason. why in gods name do the uneducated decide what courses the 'educating' are required to complete? [rant over diabloII section here:] me and my beloved have been playing Diablo II; "MedianXL". a mod that expands alot of the mechanics of diablo, makes multiplayer easy to set up and changes the skill trees up for more dynamic builds and gameplay. they let you make a WWbarb with your first skill points! normally thats level 40 only, and i fucking love playing WWbarb. they are playing necro which is great because i get buffs and can use their skeleton army as a distraction to do massive dps. never gave blizzard or bobby kotick a fucking cent.
>08.10.23
today was straight up fucked, with a side of good times and insanity. anyways, the fun began when my new irish friend/neighbor (see 08.06.23, the friend who had a birthday party) invited me to his place down the street. as he is a farmer, he came by on tractor, which i had the pleasure of riding in both to and from the house (great fun). he mentioned that he had obtained more ketamine and asked if id like to do some with him. NATURALLY i said yes, i fucking love ketamine. we did two lines each and started a game of battleships. you know.. the board game. needless to say we didnt last long on battleships, as he put some music on and i felt the need to dance. we also enjoyed the view from his house of the beautiful irish hills, and he tested my pronunciation of irish names by writing them down and asking me how they sounded (which was a really good laugh.) but suddenly something quite unexpected happened; my aunt had walked through the rain to the house, and sat down at the kitchen table next to us. she was piss drunk. well; me, being HIGH AS FUCK on ketamine, began to speak to her. the arguement (there had been some tension between us in the previous days and she decided this was the moment she wanted to speak about it with me, infront of my friend with no connection to the issue!) she threatened to fight me, and i responded by telling her i would BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF HER. (i have never hit a woman and never will, remember that my inhibitions were lowered by ketamine. it was an emotional moment) she began to back track quickly and the conversation shifted. i told her i dont think we are going to get along on the basis of personality, and that she is piss drunk and she needs to leave. she shook my hand, told me i won and left. yes that really happened. i know it sounds fucking absurd, im still trying to understand it myself. apparently my aunt went home and had a mental breakdown, screaming at my mother and throwing things in the house. i really hate drunks.
>08.06.23
ill begin with an exerpt from Rambles in Eirinn, a book i have recently begun reading after finding it in the home office of my late grandfather. Its a fantastically poetic book about William Bulfin's bicycle travels through Ireland (or "Eirinn", if you'd use the gaelic word.) "...there is an epic suggestiveness which you cannot miss if you climb the mountain. You cannot keep your hold upon the present while you are up there. You may smoke twentieth century tobacco and look down on twentieth century towns and railways and roads, but your thoughts are far away." another: "This land of our revels in beauty, she is a favorued child of nature; and i pity any one born of her who would not prefer her loveliness to that of any other land, for it is second to none." no truer words could be spoken about these lands. here, the grass is soft and green, a wild contrast to the 'stickaburr' infested grasses of texas, where the heat dries the grasses out driving them yellow and stiffening the stabbing spikes of the burrs. much time was spent simply laying in this grass, taking in the beauty of the land, and enjoying the stiff breeze. i visited Glendalough, Gleann Da Loch in gaelic; meaning valley of the two lakes. a place where trails lead you up fiercely verdant mountains and through wonderous vegetation. the picrel is a photo i took myself in Glendalough. on another occasion i visited the neighbor, as he had invited me to his birthday party. the air was fraught with laughter and joyous dance and myself had nine pints of guiness. i also happened to strike up a conversation with the man of the hour, a conversation that somehow led us into the bathroom with a bag of ketamine and two rails which we insufflated off of the screen of my phone. my god what a fantastic night, and my god how sometimes the most wonderful things happen most unexpectedly.
>07.20.23
recently, ive been playing metal gear solid V a FUCK ton. its pretty much the best singleplayer game to be released. you literally play as the leader of a private millitary corporation on 'motherbase', an operating base off the coast of east africa. ive been a metal gear fan for a long time now, the original trilogy being one of my favorite series of games ever. the story is so batshit insane and badass; i wont even talk about it because of spoilers. just play the game, dont read anything about it.
>07.17.23
this past weekend i went to the beach with my bro and his gf, it was a ton of fun. the day before we got super faded and fell asleep pretty early, then we went to the beach the next morning. we played some football and went swimming a bunch of times. i also made enough time to chill and drink a few beverages which was really nice. the wind on the beach is so wonderful. the whole trip my bro's gf wouldnt stop complaining or constantly asking for things. 'the water is gross im not getting in it', 'being drunk and hot in public sucks', etc. etc. i really dont understand why people cant just try and enjoy what little life we have but it was getting me down the whole time. in general i just dont really like the social dynamic that girls introduce when they are around, its like they expect to be served. either way, my patience for immaturity was being tested by the end of the weekend.
>06.27.23
last night i had a dream in which i watched someone have sex with a feminine looking boy. despite the inherent sexual nature of the dream, it was a more emotional experience, not something that particularly aroused me. i remember feeling an intense envy for the connection they were having, though little of the dream i can fully remember. the morning following the dream i felt lonely, i miss the feeling of meeting someone special. its been a long time since ive met someone whom ive had that real, meaningful connection with. and i dont just mean sex. im tired of 'just sex'. my god am i tired of that. im tired of the ghosting. tired of the apathy. when did people become so jaded?:(the wired did it) i say this knowing full well how jaded and apathetic i am. if anything im speaking to myself here more than anyone. as a young man i am simply not valued, this is the way of the world; and i have to accept that. this is difficult to accept, especially when i have done so much to try and increase my value. i think my efforts were misplaced. having a muscular body, which i have spent so much time, thought, and effort gaining; is meaningless in the eyes of others (outside of 'just sex'). gaining martial prowess through boxing and muay thai, probably even more useless. however, i will only degrade these efforts in the eyes of others, as (on a much higher level of importance), they increased my confidence and allowed me to face my life struggles with a much more agressive will. ultimately though i am still left with an empty gut full of lonesome. i imagine that this is not an uncommon feeling within my generation, we are more disconnected than ever; and this only feeds my despair. how uncommon is it now to meet someone truly worth loving? is there anyone who could love me for who i am? more unanswerable questions to add the pile.
>06.22.23
i had another dream last night, a much more disconnected and confusing one which is much harder to remember. i remember a man running at me, going for a double leg takedown. my dreams seem to be always inspired by mma. however, before he was able to take me down, i put my hands around his neck and began squeezing. i told him "just submit, its already over", as his face turned purple and he lost consiousness. it seems that if punching and kicking doesnt work in your dreams, submissions are the only option. at another point in the dream i very clearly remember being told by some disconnected voice that i was in fact dreaming, and in that moment my eyes seemed to focus in, the dream world became incredibly vibrant and sharp. I imagine this is what vivid dreaming is like, something i have yet to experience before this; however, the moment only seemed to last a short time before everything faded into the dim grey of my room. i hope to recapture this, and look forward to future dreams.
>06.20.23
last night i dreamt that i was on a road trip somewhere. it was the day after some sort of show or event so i felt very tired, and we had stopped at a gas station because i needed the bathroom. i began to piss, only to realize that there was a bald man with a blue shirt on right next to me also pissing. i yelled something at him and he walked away. a short moment later, another, taller man wearing a red shirt walked in. we exchanged some words and a fight began. i tried to kick his calf in but when i impacted, instead of hyperextending his leg it floated, lightly slapping him. i then tried to punch him with a jab but again his face caught my fist like a leaf in the wind. i hate the feeling these dreams give me, it taints my mood for the rest of the day and i cant seem to forget them. i bought the steam deck last weekend and am excited to have it come in, it seems like something awesome to have at work since i have so much down time. it also seems like a good option as a media player since you can dock it to displays and shit. currently im using a pi4 8gb to play anime on my tv, but i have to transfer all the torrents i want to watch onto a usb stick which is slow and takes forever. my medication has been working, which means im no longer trying to kill myself or thinking about killing myself constantly. it is truly frigtening thinking back to how often i was thinking about it. almost all my thoughts became self destructive, and no amount of logic could defeat my mood disorder. at a younger age i simply would not have ever accepted this, i used to think logic and some form of twisted stoicism would allow me to function. just take on the pain, ignore the thoughts, think your way through it. thinking like this might even fall in line with someone who believe in universal axioms, but that version of me is long dead. i have opened my eyes to the chaos and absurdity that is reality, and i acknowledge that even if humans are the most intelligent animals, we are still animals. animals that are controlled by dreams and hormones and emotion and certainly not logic. i am truly lost in this world
>05.31.23
everything is suffering. every moment of my life is tinged grey and i get no joy from anything. ive been laying down all the time that i have outside of work. i lay there, cry for a short moment, then read, then sleep. i wake up the next day for another 8 hour shift at my low pay dead end job. i get home and lay down. not a moment goes by that i dont think about killing myself. every bike commute to work asks me why i dont just ride into oncoming traffic, every walk has me looking for something to jump off of. both of those are too messy. i wish i had a way of getting benzodiazepines so i could simply drink myself to death somewhere where my body wouldnt be found. i wish i didnt have to leave a corpse behind. i wish i never existed. i hate this. the pleasure of existing has been far outwheighed by the pain. a world where humanity has no purpose, we are simply animals. animals intelligent enough to feel the deepest suffering in a world where no purpose was given to us. i have yet to find my own purpose (even if i do, it will surely be something shallow, as all "human purpose" is). yesterday, my "doctor" or whatever his title is doubled my perscription. is taking two little white pills instead of one really going to help? i doubt it. i recently left my band after two of the 3 other members decided i was the one to target. they would never say anything to my face at practice, but online they insulted me repetetively and without me even saying anything. i left our groupchat unread for a week, only to come back to almost nothing but remarks about me. of course, i know why they did this. they are afraid of me, someone much bigger and experienced with fighting than then their suburban rolls of piglard, fattened by affluent parents. its only natural for the weak to conspire against the strong if they feel threatened. i havnt spoken to my brother in 2 or 3 weeks. he doesnt really respond to texts. i used to work with my brother, but recently he left. today at work i was told that he got a very good internship, but he never told me. he never even told me that he was going to stop working here in the first place. socialization only exausts me anyway. i have no other friends; i am swallowed deep into loneliness. i love my parents and that is the one thing stopping me. if i kill myself, surely the pain they feel will be far greater than the suffering i face. this results in a terrible and inescapable prison; i am a prisoner of a life i despise.
>05.16.23
its been over two months since my last post. ive once again fallen into depression, as it seems i am destined. i dont feel like doing anything anymore, i just want to lay down. im so tired of it all, the constant repeating struggle of each day. i feel like i receive all of the difficulties of life without the reward that typically comes when overcoming that difficulty. I havn't been playing guitar or training muay thai, just sitting or laying down keeping myself entertained with meaningless and unconsequential internet media. i started a new antidepressant medication recently, it hasnt had enough time to start working i guess. i recently was given more hours at work. i hate my job, i hate the people i have to help, i hate how its a complete dead end. i hate that no matter how hard i try i am utterly powerless against depression. it takes everything from me. i dont even want to kill myself, but depression forces suicidal ideation onto me, a constant stream of intrusive thoughts asking "why not just end it?". it forces unending and suffocating anxiety. anxiety that takes away all the self worth ive tried building up in myself. somehow i have to just ignore these feelings and continue with the daily grind no matter how much it makes me want to writhe on the floor in saddened frustration. ive been hanging out with friends less and less, i think they got tired of me. the only time i get to talk to anyone is over the internet, and only if i message them first. i feel so alone. i went on a "date" recently, at least thats what i thought it was going to be at first. ultimately it just became a meaningless hookup like every other time. i guess im not ready for a relationship anyway; even if i want one. i just want to lay down.
>03.06.23
This weekend i did 100ug LSD + ~100mg MDMA. it was quite the experience. I began by smoking a bowl of some "snickerdoodle" cannabis, a %50/%50 hybrid with a chocolatey aroma. After finishing the cannabis, i went up to my room to take the LSD. The tingles began to set in and my thoughts began to shift towards a strange way of thinking i can only discribe as conceptual thinking. After about 4 hours of disoriented and distracted gaming, i put ~100mg MDMA into my cup of coffee. gulping down the already bitter coffee, made even further bitter combined with the extreme bitter taste of MDMA, i winced and went to get water. 30 minutes later, i start to become agitated at the state my room was in. The psychedelic vision demanded that i lower the rooms complexity, it was overpowerering. i simply coulnt handle the clutter. the stimulation of the mdma made me feel ready to fix the problem. despite this notion, i was still very intoxicated from all the drugs i just took (as you could probably imagine). lsd is not kind to my memory, especiallly not when combined with THC and MDMA. i began trying to clean my room, while constantly forgetting what my task at hand was. looping thoughts. looping thoughts. Why did i just go downstairs? ...30 seconds pass... the dustpan! as the day went on, my ability to complete tasks while under the effects improved, and i had a great time listening to music during the whole process. im very lucky to be able to obtain such high quality and pure substances :)
>00.00.00
i once again appear at my favorite coffee shop, awaitng arival of a substance. i collect my favorite black coffee. im very paranoid from the cannabis ive consumed throughout the day, which for me, always seems like something i can simply ignore. I am BAKED. i feel like a lizard. i feel like desert dunes are bearing down on me. --Thundercat is playing in the cafe a band i quite enjoy and admire. Thundercat's 5 string bass is amazing to be hold; and he is somehow able to effortlessly play complex, boundary pushing music on an instrument so monstrous.
>02.08.23
bike broke yesterday, had to walk 40-50 minutes to work only to bombarded with hell calls so full of avarice that the only explanation is the callers are mentally ill. currenly in one of those periods that seems to be somehow more boring than normal, with or without drugs. i hope life becomes interesting again so i have a little bit more drive, because currently its running low. ive felt angry since i woke up today, i supposed because of how the day started and how its been going. i feel like i should start some sort of project to make some progress in life, but most of the things im interested in doing either take a momentous amount of effort and/or are very illegal. since my bike broke ive been thinking alot more about getting a motorcycle, which seems like a pipe dream considering my current living situation. sure would make my life alot easier if i had one though. i want a fully blacked out kawasaki ninja 600. riding a motorcycle is cool as hell, hopefully one day ill obtain one for myself.
>02.05.23
Yep. Here i am again. its dark. currently watching: Chopping Mall; on the down side of two tabs of acid and some weed. oh my god all the characters in this film are so hot. I generally felt very self positive today. im finding it very difficult to write, because of some of the effects of the compounds i have consumed. im happy that im able to be able to live the life that i live, and would like to reiterate my gratitude. often 'life is suffering'. however, one can learn to use that suffering and channel it into power and passion in life.... is what i would like to say. things always seems to have a way of slipping away from you. at the moment, at least, i feel confident in my quality as a person. ive been thinking about the idea of embracing the darkness of man i.e. allowing ourselves to think about the more evil, absurd, or shocking desires of man so that you can more logically form your opinion on that thing. for example, watching horror movies; in a way i guess this is just a stupid way of saying confront your fears. now watching: intruder 1989, known as the wikipedia gods spoke to me, is a slasher flick set in a grocery store. reminder to do more chracter sketching. i have a visual theme concept brewing in my mind, its sort of an industrial grey hard polymer with a slight wear. shapes jut out in millitant fashion and distinguishing features are applied though logo. its the technology of the future. exept not, because the future is stupid, so ill just do my own thing and learn to accept that others cant follow my lead.
>01.26.23
hello every1! im back, and today, im partying. hard. i always party hard. wooo! me and bro are gonna smoke this fucking crazy bong. ive never even smoked a bong... hehehe. might drop some acid too... anyways, the semester has started anew and ive been studying consistently as well as working and training, so i feel im allowed to party. ive been taking out more time to meditate, especially during my morning cold hell cycle sprints i take to work. im hard like that lolol. (ego). and its really helped me maintain focus, quality sleep, and resist depression. its nice to not need meds //shrug. i really think that high dose of acid was ultimately very positive honestly. it wouldnt be scientific to attribute how i feel just to that but it is surely at least one factor. ive been doing alot of shivering lately though.. its fucking freezing and i think our heater stopped working. im joining my uni's boxing club tommorow and im very excited to meet some like minded martial artists! im also excited to train just pure boxing again on top of muai thai. boxing is so pure! so primordial! the ancient greeks were fucking boxing, everyone boxed. boxing is human! cant wait for when i can wear shorts on my bike again!
>01.21.23
the following will be an attempt at a trip report for 01.11.22: i took the two perforated paper squares with red and blue greatful dead hearts and placed them under my tongue. within 5 minutes i felt the creeping rush of warm bodily exctacy and the desire to laugh at nothing in particular. my head felt sober, i just felt really good. then, after the completion of an unmentionable act (as i tend to do while alone on substances) i suddenly looked at the wall and realized that it was moving, breathing in and out towards me. soon after i looked at my hand, only to realize it was a blur, and i could no longer recognize the pattern of my flesh, as it was (like the wall) breathing in and out. i began to feel a great strangeness within myself which i felt throughout the night. a feeling if unease that seemed incredibly intense at times, and forgotten about at others. i began the trip by bringing my laptop and studio headphones outside to listen to music. at this point the trip was already exceedingly intense and it had taken me ages to actually get outside and ready as i was so disortiented. anyways, i finally got outside and began playing Jimi Hendrix's - Are You Experienced. not exactly an original choice, but i thought the best guide would be the one designed by those experienced in the journey. i began to look into the trees, which seemed to go on and on forever and i began experiencing extremely intense halucinations in which the tree seemed to twist and bend and move, despite being quite still. i took many deep breaths as the high level of stimulation began to somewhat overwhelm me. i have many tricks up my sleve that are great for escaping overwhelming stimulation (can thank a life of fighting against suicide for that). with more deep breaths and focused thinking, i enjoyed the excelent weather and did my best not to grip for control, instead, enjoying the journey. later, i eventually went up to my room as the record had ended. in my room i was peaking hard. i would lay in my bed, blink, and stare at the ceiling. except that i forgot what blinking was, and i couldnt tell if my eyes were open or not. looking up at the ceiling i saw kolidoscopic imagery of my brown ceiling fan and tan ceiling. the closing of my eyes seemed to only close in the bottom left and right top. it was an incredibly intense vision. getting up, i looked over and noticed my work in progress painting. at that point it was simple a pencil sketch of ancient greek wrestlers, but i looked at it and felt an extreme urge. i had the sudden feeling that I was suddenly on the mountaintop where god gave the ten comandments. i felt that i was given divine inspiration to begin painting immediatly. i immediatly began grabbing tubes of oil paint, squeezing them out onto my pallate, and then applying the paint in a very kinetic and frantic acid blur. i had not yet noticed it, but i was shaking. time seemed to stop passing, i felt that i had at one point forgotten everything, and that i had reverted to an adam like human. i felt that my painting was a rebellion against god, an attempt to create my own reality, to trancend the materialistic space through a spitirual outpour of oil paint. now, i dont belive in a god. but if there is one... he contacted me. overall, the experience was incredibly moving. however, i think 200ug is the upper end of what i should take, as the experience was incredibly intense. especially when combined with cannabis later on in the trip to extend the visuals. for now ill stick to lower 50 or 100ug trips, as to enjoy the experience more rather than be scared and meet god. [click to enlarge image]
>01.11.23
tripping at 200mg... hard to type... one of the most amazing and intense experiences i have ever had. really feels worth it but i can see why its not for others..
>01.14.23
currently sitting at my favorite coffee shop waiting on some squares of paper. this is delay 2 so far (fella hella unreliable). im not sure what exactly pulled me to desire said paper, possibly my desire to explore my inner consiousness, another because im bored, and... if im going to be truly honest with myself... (see Notes from Underground by Dostoyevski) spite. spite against the law, against the natural world holding me captive inside this electric meat. i have a feeling that i am being a naive youth, but cant know for sure. i have often in the past felt this way and been proven wrong. ive learned to ignore my constant inner monologue to some degree. who the fuck wants to listen to some kid and his worries anyway, i want to live my life, i want to experience my inexperience. are you experienced? im suddenly at a loss as to what to write, so, goodbye. fucker. :)
hello me again... im currently tripping at 100ug... im trying my best to remain as sober sounding as possible, but believe me. its hard. pupils began to dialaite by my guess an hour or so ago. i actually have no fucking clue how long ive been tripping now lmao, but i certainly have seen some trails and patterns emerging. though i couldnt really "see" these... it was more like i felt that they were there i guess.. whoaaa its amazing though. next time ill be sure to spend as much time as possible out in the sun, too bad its winter. maybe there will be a warm day coming up. time to lay in the dark and feel.
>01.01.23
yes. another year. 2023, a number i seem to particularly dislike... its gross in the same way an oily penny on an otherwise clean white ceramic. strange perhaps.
------[ a moments pause ]------ ahem... excuse me i took a moment to "aquire" 'He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special DVD RIP (1985), as well as all of the other he-man content; because of my emotional connetion to the show. as a child he-man, and skeletor were my favorite. my father was the one who introduced me to the series, along with thundercats and other cartoons. these are really the only things i can do to remember my father in any capacity. -but enough! i have just come to the end of a two day long bender with me and my bro. the peak of this experience was going to #'s (if you know you know). balloons containing money were attached to the ceiling, and come the new year, their string restraints were removed, causing a brash chaos for a moment. a brash chaos in which i obtained five whole green american dollars. the varieties of psychoactive chemicals within canabis were, and are currently saturated in my blood stream. much was done that night that i will remember fondly but will not embolden here in text, in part to maintain brevity (brevity! what a laughable thing coming from someone as i; on a whim) as much as i dislike to admit it, i am looking forward to the return to the general inertia of life. that is the healthier way to look, so i look, knowing that it may be false. forgive me for philospohising. however this is my home and i shall write how i want! even if that reflects some preverted twisting of dostoyevski, neitzche and schopenhauer. a gross, malignant brain thing squirming in its early stages of development twisting about in toil. i suspect this being shall toil forever on, however will grow stronger as time goes on and a man matures into his full consiousness. that is, consiousness that those around them are reliant on them. which, by the way, is what defines a man. i do not claim to be a man yet. again i am thrust into the hot fires of entertaining myself through moderate length shifts with online entertainment. again i must drink well brewed, fresh, and quality coffee in amounts fit to kill a small animal. however, this also marks my entry back into a training phase. i have been shirking muai thai training due to the weather and desire to spend time with family, and just generally relax for a moment. work hard play hard.
>12.21.22
as the darkness steps in again, and the paranoia, or the idea of paranoia begin to set in. but despite this, i have constructed my own mental space in which noone can invade. Encased in hard plastic,, my mental space is constructed as a rgb digital display in 1366*768. how nerdy is that!!!!!!! some people dont understand, but i think you reading this might. deeper still in this abstract mental space is this page. things seem dark for me now, but if i can simply exist through it, things will look up. im out of coffee beans, so i have to drink CorporatedCoffeeWater Tee Emm aka a keurig coffee, which is the worst thing ever by the way like holy fuck how do people drink this every day its repulsive. caffine is the only reason for me. a final line of defense against going baseline.
>12.10.22
went and saw Exhumed play, a deathgrind band that is essentially the gorey horror movie version of metal. met up with a friend before the show in the parking lot and choked down a joint as fast as possible. we awkwardly made it into the venue, a nice place, well maintained. As the first band started playing i felt a wave of emotion rise up in me. it moved me to tears quicky. in a series of flashes between blinks i saw things i cant describe. i had a heartfelt conversation with my friend, which i think helped him. at around the 3rd hour of the show i began to feel very lightheaded and overstimulated, i was able to sit down in an outside area. at work ive been talking to some interesting people over IRC. i happened to be allowed to see the file list of one of the users media collection servers, which was very interesting so thanks to him. one guy at my work keeps trying to start conversations with me after i made the mistake of letting him see my terminal while i was eating lunch. he told me that he likes to 'use the tor browser', which is like... one of two things, neither of them any good. either he is a complete creep, or he doesnt actually use tor. or hes a dnv user. from the way he talks im assumming he used tor once.
everytime i write one of these, i always wonder if someone has kept up with it for a while. it seems unlikely, but maybe somebody just really likes to read blogs? its currently 2:28AM and im sitting infront of my terminal sloppilly touch typing. tetrahydracannibinol is a wonderful thing :). i got a very high grade on the final that was due today, so i feel pretty good. in general today was really nice, just drinking coffee and working on assignments. i like to keep my window open and close my air vent when its not too hot or cold outside. the thick fresh air is nice. i honestly feel very liberated and my quality of life has gone up so much. i am greatful to my meds for helping, though i still have my worries regarding long term use. whatever, ill take some health issues to not want to throw myself the nearest ledge every day. dont forget to send in mail to drifttrx@protonmail.com, i would love to be mail friends!
>10.24.22
recently started some anti-dep meds. i know, i know; big pharma! deep-state control! but fuck man, i needed something i was/am losing my fucking mind. constant derealization/dissasociation and depresson/anxiety are running my life. i cant fight this fight alone, ive been doing it too long. im a fucking beast for holding out this long and im more driven, healthier and more well learnened than anyone my age, despite all the shit ive had to deal with. muai thai has been going well and im excited to train hard almost every day. its crazy how much more confident combat training makes me. i dont give a fuck about what anyone says, even less than i did before. im just gonna live in my own little bubble, studying and training hard. recently i became too entrenched in the lives of other people, and despite them being those i care for greatly, its obvious that they care less than i do. so: fuck em. self focus. i should probably start keeping track of my training/studying/practicing in some sort of log. im sure that would help me stay motivated as well as regimented. the difficult part is driving myself to do these things even after a days work and classes, though im sure i can do it, ive done it before. its not a limitation of my body, simply the mind. my body has near infinite energy in my current shape, im loving it. my main goals right now are: muai thai, classes, math self-study, programming self-study, guitar practice, and painting/sketching. if i just do a few of these things each day i should be able to make substantial progress in my life, and maybe even gain some feeling of control over my life, because at the moment i feel like i am in freefall. my memory being incredibly unreliable and sense of time also very warped is not helping at all. Watched this confusing ass anime: "Sonny Boy", i guess its suppossed to be philosophical, which it definatly is, but i dont know if i got the entire message. the whole show has a really interesting feeling though, and ive never seen an anime that is so surreal. definatly a reccomended watch, its only 12 episodes. imgrel is the holy grail combo and a surefire way to have a great night. man i really miss smoking.
>10.05.22
here i am again, laying down my feelings late at night. i must be a pretty sad person. are other people like this? doesnt matter. ive stopped considering other people in this equation. ive lost all hope really. i just dont enjoy life. no matter how sweet it is, the feeling always quickly fades and is replaced with despair. people kept telling me, "you need help!", "go to therapy!" are you fucking happy now? i went. i went to therapy, and no change. its all the same. same feeling, same life. same thoughts. i held out my hope, maybe it really was the answer, the one think keeping me from enjoying my life like everyone else. that hope has been betrayed. i hate my life. i really fucking do. why do i do any of this? i dont care about work, i dont care about school, or studying, or art, or guitar. its all so meaningless, me grasping at some form of enjoyment in life. yet, i get none. i try so hard, so much harder than anyone i know, to enjoy life. i used to think, maybe my expectations are just too high for life, i should just enjoy what i have. i cant. ive tried for so many years. ive tried denying how much i hate living. i cant do it anymore. i wont kill myself, i know that much. i dont have the willpower, im too afraid, its just as pointless as living is. im so fucking tired of struggling just to enjoy my life. im so fucking tired of the trauma. i cant escape it. there is no fucking escape. i just have to live until i die. i cant do it. its suffocating.
